The Apartment Hunting Chronicles:Episode 1

Alternately titled: I can get a date but not an apartment

Let me preface this post by saying that I started typing this on my iphone while in bed next to Mary in her beautiful apartment on the upper east and I am literally seething with jealousy because it's so cute and big but cozy and delightful in the morning light. Also everyone is asleep but I wake up super early when I am hungover (which I am by the way because last night was epic..but that's a post I'm not writing until the pictures appear on facebook).

For those of you who know me**, you are probably aware of my love for Craigslist. My love for the list started when I lived in DC and had nothing to do for hours on end. Jenn and I would parouse the personals and the casual encounters and send each other cock shots and requests for orgies and spankings and guys dressed entirely in latex. It's not only a great time passer, but it also provdes valuable life lessons. Namely that everyone who lives in DC is a closeted kinky sex freak by night (sorry Tia, and the two friends I have from Georgetown and uhhh, my entire family) and no one who lives there should be trusted, let alone allowed to make our laws and collect taxes (probably to buy buttplugs and whips).

I still look at the list fairly often, but have moved on from the personals to the missed connections and the "free shit" sections. Missed connections because obviously people become enamoured with me daily and I am hoping one day the sexy stranger I made eyes with at the gyro stand will post about how he can't live without me and must find me or he will never be happy again. Pretty much as close you'll get to a fairy tale in 2009.

The free shit section is rather self explanatory: I like free shit. I also like to see what other people are giving away and why they felt the need to post about it instead of just taking it to the dump or giving it to some unsuspecting person as a gift. There have been some things I've actually considered taking, but ultimately it usually comes down to being not even remotely worth my time. Also, once I wanted something bad enough that I decided to reply, but couldn't figure out how. I mean "hi I want your free shit" should suffice right? But I mean, millions of people could be reading it and lots could want it so how do you differentiate yourself from the crowd? Do you describe why you want it, how you would lovingly care for it and would never dream of giving it away on cl? Like many things confusing and overwhelming- I quickly abandoned it and put on Spongebob instead.

In addition to being fun, craigslist is also quite functional. I went on dozens of craiglist job interviews and only one was sketchy, which is pretty good odds (all I am saying is that if your office is in your penthouse, you should probably put that in the ad so people dont think they are putting on a suit to get ax murdered at some crazy guys apartment in Brooklyn). Craigslist is SO MUCH faster than monster and career builder because theres no middle man. Its right from your email to theirs. In fact, I found my current job on craigslist. I applied on a Friday, interviewed on a Tuesday and was offered the job on a Wednesday. Craigslist changed my life in under a week.

And thats why I love craigslist- its quick and dirty, just like the city. Everything you want is just right there waiting for you. Want to get laid? No need to put on the hooker shoes and the push up bra, just place an ad, open a bag of cheetos and let Craig do the rest.

But dont put the hooker shoes away just yet- you will need them for apartment hunting in the 7th circle of hell (NY craigslist).

Obviously, I am looking for an apartment. Because the commute sucks and I am a grown up and should be living out of my parents house. And really- part of being a grown up is living alone I think. But I dont want to live alone. I've had nothing but good roommate experiences (okay, it was only one experience but it lasted 4 years and was wonderful) and I am not jaded enough to shudder at the thought of sharing an apartment with someone. In fact- its quite the contrary. I would rather live with someone, if not for the comraderie and friendship, than certainly for defense against robbers and rapists and crazy landlords and leaky faucets. So I am relegated to the rooms/shared section of CL. Which means having to deal with people, New Yorkers at that, instead of landlords.

Which wouldn't be so bad if all people were girls.

Heres a senario that routinely happens. There is an ad reading like this:

"Title: This is the Perfect Apartment for You

Hi. I have the perfect apartment for you. It is near your work and every single subway line and bus route. Also, its been rent controlled since 1942 so rent is only $100, including utilities. It is in a doorman building, and has an elevator and is huge and you would have your own bathroom with a jacuzzi tub and sauna. Also, we have a pool and the walls are made of rainbows and the bed is cotton candy. Near hot bars and cheap shopping and great restaraunts. Laundry room in the apartment.

I am a rich shoemaker who brings home lots of samples for my roommate to keep forever. I have a lot of money and I like to share it. I like to cook and would gladly prepare you all of your meals and even pack your lunch for you because I care. I nurse kittens and give them way to loving homes when they become ugly cats. I love reality TV and TIVO The Hills and am a Gormet cupcake maker. I have a girlfriend who I love, but she lives in siberia so she wont be in the apartment much. Obviously, there wont be any sexual tension because my heart belongs to Siberia girl. But if you ever need a comforting spoon or want to cuddle while watching Cold Case Files thats totally okay."

So I, thinking I finally found the perfect Manhattan apartment reply with my little "about me blurb" and get a response that looks something like this:

"Hey Heather,

Nice to hear from you. Unfortunately, in the 2 hours since you replied to that ad I actually burned the place down and had to move. It was a freak accident involving a cupcake and a kitty. Sorry about that.

But you sound like a really cool girl I'd like to get to know. My name is Stupid Manhead and I am 30 and work in finance and go to the gym and like long walks on the beach. Want to get dinner sometime next week?

Good luck on your apartment searching,
Stupid ManHead"


Seriously, out of every ten apartments I reply to, at least one comes back like this. One guy simply responded to my email (which was titled "Interested in Your Apartment") with one line; "Interested in this?" and a picture of his penis next to a stapler was attached. And the stapler was bigger. No, I am not interested.

Anyway, after playing this game for a few weeks, I am starting to become more jaded about finding a room in someone elses apartment. But I dont know anyone ready to move with me yet, so really if I found a perfect apartment I woudl still have to use craiglist to find the roommate anyway, so whats the point? At least this way, when i get there, there will already be a couch. Which is pretty much my only standard at this point, because they are getting pretty low.

Which is why, I fear, this next part of the post is completely 100% true. Please note that unlike the above ad which was a complete obvious fabrication, this one is basically how the ad read (i couldnt find it again to copy and paste).

Title: Interesting Arrangement for Room in Apartment in Chelsea- $850/month

I have a two bedroom apartment and I need to rent out one of the bedrooms. The room is decent sized for Manhattan and could easily fit a bed, dresser and desk. I am asking $850/month, not including utilities. There is a laundry room in the building and wireless internet and digitial cable hooked up for the whole building.

I am a nice, normal guy who works a lot of hours in finance and doesnt get to date much. In exchange for the room, I ask that you be okay walking around the apartment naked several times a week. No sex, or touching or inapropriate conduct, just you walking around naked and letting me watch. I know this situation isnt for everyone, but for the right girl it could be a great arrangement."

Now, you, a normal person is obviously thinking "no thanks, Ted Bundy" but here is my actual thought process upon reading this ad:

"ohhh 850 a month in chelsea, what could this be? What sort of interesting arrangment?.....laundry room, sweet....NAKED? the nerve. I should close this immediately....wellll, I mean, no sex or touching, thats not too bad right? I mean, the apartment is in freaking Chelsea for less than a grand a month. I could probably walk to work....Maybe he really is nice and normal...I mean, I really enjoy being naked. Seriously- the only thing better than yoga pants is no pants....I'd probably have to lose some weight first, maybe start hitting the gym more...I wonder how often? Like, everyday? strip when you come in the front door?....would i do things naked? like clean and make dinner, that could lead to injury...okay stop this is creepy. why are you thinking about this?...on the other hand, it would give me a chance to show off my boobs more. really, its about time they start pulling their weight around here anyway....i wonder what he looks like. will he be naked too?....then we'd be like a nudist colony, which is totally legit, lots of people live in nudist colonies and no one calls them prostitutes....did I just compare myself to a prostitute?....but i mean, okay, eventually we would become friends and nearly all of my best friends have seen me naked multiple times and none of them have ever offered me an 850/month apartment in Chelsea...some best friends they are..oh, utilities not included? fuck that"

And I am only on week three of the big search. It might be time to look into some no-fee brokers.

**I realize I refer to the collective "you" a lot and then no one comments which really just makes me look like a crazy person talking to myself (which really is the definition of a blog, but shhh). BUT, rest assured internet world, that since my shameless self promotion campaign (putting the link in my away message and also mentioning it in conversation. things like "oh thats a really cool story....lets talk about ME now, did you know I am blogging?!"*** orrrr the ever popular "this is SO going in the blog"...even though it never really does) that several people have told me they are reading it and it reaffirmed their faith in my net worth as their friend (or so I assume). Some have even told me they sent certain posts to their friends which is really just the coolest thing ever. So, in summation, I am not a crazy person and you all are the best friends (and the best friends of friends) that a girl who talks to herself can have.

***Also, I am now that asshole who TALKS about their blog in like conversations. Ithink i mentioned it twice today while Colleen, Mary and I were nomming on some greasy food at Big Daddy's. Sorry ladies. Thanks for still being friends with me.