I Might Regret This Later

There is nothing like a trip to target to inspire some deep thoughts. My mom texted me (from downstairs) that she was going go go and asked, knowing how much i fucking love target, if i wanted to come with. now- for those of you lucky enough to not be in the northeast, let me explain that it is about 5 degrees outside and I proclaimed as I came home from work yesterday that I was not leaving the house for anything unless it got twenty degrees warmer (which would still be well below freezing, btw). but i went- because thats how much I love target. And as I waddled down the aisles (i was wearing three pairs of sweatpants), haphazardly placing things (Penelope, season 10 of Friends, Mario Party for the Wii, air fresheners, face wash, a hamper, a sweater) in the cart that I didn't have to pay for it hit me- I fucking LOVE living at home.

Now- I know this may seem like a slightly pathetic thing to say. Living at home with your parents after college still, for some people, has some sort of stigma. A mix of sympathy ("omg that SUCKS. i would hate to live with my parents") and judgement ("really? time to move out, loser"). But to those people I say- who made YOU chocolate chip pancakes with a side of love this morning? No one? Thats what I thought.

And really, I think the stigma is mostly in my head. Most of my friends moved back home with their parents, and if not, their parents support them financially. Just the other day I was reading an article on MSNBC about how people in their late 20s and early 30s are moving back home because- in case you havent heard- we're in a recession. Although the thought of having to move back home with my parents in my 30s is mildly horrifying, I can't say I don't understand it. Living with your parents is not only seriously cheap, but when you are down on your luck (which you have to be to move back home in your 30s), moving in with the people who have to love you unconditionally could be a great ego boost.

So, to help those people, my friends and myself come to terms with moving back home with their parents, I've created a list of reasons why living at home is the fucking boss.

Reason Number One: A Severely Reduced Cost of Living
Now, living at home is obviously cheaper, but in ways you can't even begin to imagine. When you don't have to pay for rent, groceries, utilities, bills or food, all of your income is expendable income. For someone like me, for which shopping is a low-grade and more expensive form of crack-cocaine, having only expandable income is dangerous and amazing at the same time. But for someone like me 4 months ago, who didn't have an income at all, it is literally the greatest thing ever. You don't even have to become accustomed to a cheaper lifestyle. In fact, its an upgrade in most circumstances because most parents don't live like college students. And, as a bonus, my parents like to buy me things, like movies and Wii games from Target. My mom will sometimes even just hand me $20 as I am walking out the door for no other reason than the fact that 22 years ago she pushed me out of her body in a sterile room while my father watched a Redskins game. For me- its economical. For them- its a financial burden that is a mix of their DNA.

Reason Number Two: An Immensely Easier Way of Life
When something breaks, or starts leaking or starts burrowing a nest into the attic space above your bed there are no more lengthy and tiring back and forth calls between landlord and you, landlord and plumber, plumber and you and again between you and landlord when you walk into the kitchen to get a granola bar and the plumber has shown up unannounced WITH A KEY and already made himself comfortable in your kitchen without even telling you. Now when something breaks, all I have to do is go downstairs and say "dad the toilet is running again!!!" and the problem is magically solved, as if there never was one to begin with. And, if I don't feel like going downstairs, a simple email will usually suffice ("Subject line: Your House is Falling Apart Through No Fault of My Own". Body Message: "A hole has appeared behind the door in the den because someone slammed the door after playing an infuriating game of Mario because, seriously, there is NO WAY TO BEAT that big brown monster in level 4, you can only run around it for hours and you know how much I hate running.")

Reason Number Three: Benny

My parents would never let me take him with me.


Reason Number Four: It's a Lot Different The Second Time Around

Now, having left my house the first time at the ripe old age of 17, my memories of living at home weren't quite so peaceful. I had a lot of feelings, and most of them were bad and made only worse by my parent's unconditional love and support. They were smothering my angsty spirit, preventing me from leaving the house in clothes that were too revealing, showing up drunk or getting a tongue ring. It was constant lying and curfews and "are you high?!" (yes) and who needs that in their life? This time around though- much different. Not only do my parents seem genuinely disinterested in what I am doing, who I am hanging out with or where I am going, they are openly accepting of my lifestyle choices. My mom tells strangers in line at the grocery store how cute my tattoo is and my dad, unlike my "friends" never lets me drink alone- because he's drinking too and probably more. They aren't smothering my spirit- they are enhancing it, or at the very least- ignoring it. I once came home completely wasted as my mom was getting up for the day and she cocked her head, looked at me and said "oh, you're alive. good." Yeah, it is good.

Reason Number 5: Built In Friends of Convenience

You know how you have friends who you will call if there's nothing else to do, but would never invite them to your birthday party? Well, meet Mom and Dad, the friends who are always there when there is nothing else to do. When there is no one around and you want to go to Applebees, split some half off appetizers and talk about your day- your parents probably don't have plans. And you know, its the craziest thing, but parents are people too and they have interesting things to say that may even add to the quality of your life. Things about their lives, about raising kid and being married, about coming of age in the 60's and having years of experience to impart unto you. And, if not, they will pay for your meal and maybe even give you $20, which is just as good anyway.