Jewish Christmas

For years, I denied my heritage. Yes- I was Jewish when I wanted to be different. Yes- I would always know a correct spelling for Chanukah when asked. Yes- I would open the door for Elijah. Yes- I would expect eight wonderful gifts and latkes and maybe even play the Dreidel l if there was money or good chocolate involved.

But Fuck No Moses, I was not giving up Christmas.

In high school, come Christmas time, I’d find myself getting uncharacteristically excited. Uncharacteristic because 1. I am a Jew, through and through. And 2. I’m not really the festive type. But Christmas always got to me. I loved the lights, loved the Christmas specials and the merriment and the shopping and the time off school and buying gifts and receiving them and always figuring out who had who for Secret Santa and ruining Aimee’s entire year. When I worked at the daycare (which was nearly all of high school) we would start using Santa as a threat immediately after Thanksgiving. For those of you who have never worked in childcare or actually like your children, the threat goes something like this “If you do not sit down and listen I am telling Santa not to come and to give all of your toys to the good little children, you nasty little brat!” or, the shorter version “Santa is watching and he is pissed”. Sometimes, when feeling particularly malicious, I would whip out my cell phone and pretend to call him until I heard the magic words: “I’ll be good! I promise!”

Yeah right, like Santa would ever take a call from a Jew.

During those times, I had a best friend, a BFF if you will, who always invited me to her apartment for Christmas merriment with her family. I loved those Christmas days. So cozy and warm, wearing a Christmas themed outfit, assembling her little sister’s presents from Santa, chatting with her family, eating so much shrimp that the food coma came long before the main course was served and watching a Christmas Story over and over again. Good times had by all of Jesus’ children. And me.

As often happens, said BFF started dating a psycho and moved on from us. Or any friends at all. Once again, that’s an entire separate post that I most likely will never be writing.

Anyway, afterwards, Christmas sort of lost its luster. Its not that I blame her entirely. I went to college where Christmas break became the much longer (and ever so missed, incidentally) winter break. I stopped working at the daycare, so there was no pitter-patter of excitement from little germ carriers. The Christmas spirit passed me over entirely, the first two weeks of the season consumed entirely by finals and the next so exhausted and happy to be home that I rarely left my house.

So I started to assimilate back into Jewish culture. Well, sort of. I’m still a heathen because lets be honest, being Jewish is a LOT of work. But, if there is one time a year where being a good Jew means being lazier than everyone else- its Christmas time. So now I have embraced the loveliness that is a Jewish Christmas.

The first Christmas after I was ditched by my BFF (not bitter), my whole family (cousins and grandparents included) went on an all inclusive vacation to a Mexican resort, which is pretty much as Jewish as you can get for Christmas, seeing as it was like Christmas never happen. We got on a plane on the 22nd, came back on the 28th and skipped the whole mess while sunning ourselves on the beach, eating and drinking unlimited amounts and getting drunk at the resorts "club" (the highlight of the decor of said "club" was a paper-mache spaceship....but hey- the drinks were free so you can't beat it*). But given that we are comfortable Jews, but not extravagant ones, that was a one time deal (although, I mentioned it this Thanksgiving and wasn’t immediately shot down, so maybe we will have to launch an 2009 nagging campaign to rediscover our Jewish heritage among the margaritas and all-you-can-eat sushi buffets).

Since then, I have really come to like not celebrating Christmas. Dare-I-say, I celebrate not celebrating. All the pressure to buy the perfect gift, all the lines at the mall, all the holiday traveling and cooking and hanging up lights and decorating trees and wearing of Christmas sweaters. No thanks. I would much rather watch a movie (or maybe two) and then nom-nom on some Chinese food. Because I like the movies, and I LOVE Chinese food, and laying in bed and watching a Christmas Story sounds like the perfect amount of holiday cheer. I don’t ever even have to change out of my yoga pants.

Today my plans are:
Sleep until 1 pm: Check
Eat Chocolate Chip Pancakes: Check
Play Wii**
Finish My Book
Start Reading a New One
Cold Case Marathon!
Hit up some online sales to try and find a New Years Dress
Talk to friends to see what loot they got
Eat Chinese Food
Have Aimee and Shayna over for Wii** and wine
Be Merry, Motherfuckers



*I went on the Iberostar website to try to find a picture of said paper-mache spaceship, because it really needs to be seen by one and all. No picture, but they have resorts in Brazil, Greece, Morocco etc. 2009 nagging campaign is SO ON. I wonder if they are offering recession deals?

**OMG WE GOT A WII! SERIOUSLY, WHO NEEDS SANTA?