Bring it on reverse Scurvy: An Ode to EmergenC

When my roommate arrived my freshman year of college with a first aid shoe-box filled with winter and dorm-ailments necessities, I was sure I would be putting in for a switch. Here was this girl from Arizona, armed with an arsenal of cold and flu remedies ready for the rough New Orleans winters. Was she nuts? Mentally unbalanced perhaps? A hypochondriac who would spend the entire year in bed and Lysol everything I touched for fear of germs?

Well, I was wrong. About quite a few things. First of all, my roommate was not nuts. I would have sooner cut off my right hand than voluntarily switch roommates by the second day in. We ended up living together for the remainder of college (although we did move out of the germ-infested dorms, only to be confronted with the mold infested city post-K, but that’s besides the point) and she became one of my very good friends with whom I share countless memories.

An aside: Although, in my defense, she did spend a lot of the winter in bed however, not because of hypochondria but because I have never seen anyone with a weaker immune system and allergies to generic medication. One of those treasured memories I mentioned above was having my Catholic friends over for fake-Chanukah with a Velcro Menorah and then crawling into bed with her and spoon-feeding her soup…she was too weak to sit up. It was all very Little House on the Prairie, except as far as we know she wasn’t suffering from Cholera.

I was also wrong about the first-aid shoe box, that would not only become incredibly useful, but would follow us out of the dorms, survive Katrina (unlike my bed, furniture, clothing and all other worldly possessions) and sit on the same shelf in our new apartment until the very day I moved out. It was replenished and cared for and the beacon of cures for all ailments. Menstrual cramps? Let me check the Nike box for Midol. Headache? Just do it- Advil in the Nike box. Allergies flaring up? Doctor Nike is in.

The shoe-box, it turns out, was the portal for my obsession and love for EmergenC.

For those of you unfamiliar with EmergenC, they are delicious little packets filled with 1000% of the daily value of Vitamin C. EmergenC wards off any potential illness (you know, that “ugh, I’m definitely getting sick” feeling) and gives you a boost of energy and really just tastes delicious. I have often likened the taste to Tang (mostly because while spoon-feeding it to my ex-boyfriend who was also suffering from Cholera like-symptoms, he for no apparent reason shot up in bed and said, nay shouted, “TANGY!”, which was incidentally the most animated he had been since he had become a human host for multiple unknown viruses and decided my bed would be the perfect infirmary).

Another aside: Apparently, I spoon-feed a lot of people.

Coming from a family who never made me wear a coat, let alone pumped my body with enough vitamins to kill a small goldfish, I couldn’t immediately see the benefits of EmergenC. It seemed like a marketing scam (and in truth, still does, although now instead of the word “scam”, I’d be more inclined to replace it with the word “genius”) and couldn’t possibly work. But I have been reformed.

EmergenC has saved me from many a virus. I am certain last week I would have been sprawled out in bed miserable instead of drinking martinis with my coworkers had it not been for a nearly dangerous dose of EmergenC. As I was pouring another packet in the kitchen, my coworker pointed out that too much of anything is not good and my body can’t even absorb 1000% percent of the daily value of vitamin C, let alone 4000% (okay, so I had four packets. In case you missed it, it is delicious and tastes like TANG so don’t judge me), but I am 4000% positive that EmergenC warded off whatever illness was creeping around my bloodstream (is that where viruses creep?).

But just in case I was accidentally poisoning myself, I decided to look up the dangers of having too much vitamin C. I found the standard expected stuff of course- orange skin and pupils mostly. But I also found that having too much Vitamin C and then stopping can lead to Reverse Scurvy, where your body goes into Vitamin C withdrawals. Although I am sure Reverse Scurvy is devastating to those who suffer, I cannot be alone in thinking it would be cool to have a PIRATE disease. I mean, Pirates are undeniably cool. If I were to get that disease because my EmergenC consumption is out of control, then I would surely volunteer to create the Reverse Scurvy Awareness Ribbon, which would obviously feature skulls and orange-cross bones. Really, I would be a pioneer and a champion for the cause. I would speak at dinners and make people cry and then ride the Reverse Scurvy Awareness Float at the Thanksgiving Day parade. I would obviously also get a pet Parrot named Polly, and any place that did not allow Polly on their premises would be slapped with a discrimination lawsuit. Reverse scurvy patients should not have to suffer in silence.

So really, the only risk factor involved in drinking too much EmergenC is becoming a martyr for a very worthy cause. Which is worth it, because I am very self-serving and enjoy it immensely when others think I am great. And in the meantime, I get a tasty beverage and a burst of energy AND an immune system of steel. The way I see it, its win-win.

And I hope those of you who I have spoon-fed over the years will be by my side in my hour of need, ready with spoons and non-citrus nourishment.