The Best Laid Plans...

I am infuriated by Britney's comeback.

Not because I don't love to bump up the volume and jam out while I am getting ready in the evening to go out. And not because I really personally think her music gets better with age. And not because her mental breakdown has been the source of many an early morning gossip reading sesh, followed by a philosophical "why britney? what went wrong?" discussion over drinks with friends.

I am infuriated because it is bad public relations.

Since the beginning of Britney's breakdown, I have been meticulously devising her comeback. Because lets face it-- we knew she was going under a long time ago but people just cant get enough of her. The public's desire for her; whether as a pop hero, a nostalgic afterthought or paparrazzi podder is insatiable. Even people who don't want to admit it want a piece of her (heh). Even my father, republican-economist-Fox-news extraordinaire knows whats happening in the life of B. Spears (albeit peripherally, but still).

During the depths of her breakdown- while she was shaving her head in a Super Cuts and walking barefoot into gas stations, crashing her cars and losing her sons and half of her money- I always had faith in the star power of B Spears. Every time she burried herself I dug deeper with my proverbial shovel, adding layers to my comeback plan that I would eventually mail off and make my millions off of (I never did get around to typing it all up until now...perhaps its my own fault).

Here's how this should have gone down: Britney gets all the crazy out of her system. Maybe one last shebang to make it count (naked in public? a porn tape perhaps? a baby from an unnamed daddy? the possibilities are endless really). Slowly she starts to fizzle out of the public eye. Maybe a picture every now and then of her supervised visits with the two trainwrecks-in-waiting. Then nothing. NOTHING for a year, maybe two. Long enough for the public to speculate what happened but long enough to heal the emotional wounds those of us who have been defending her have had to endure (i mean-- who's heart WASN'T broken after the infamous VMA performance?).

Then the comeback. First the promo starts for the interview. "Catch America's Fallen Pop Princess On 20/20 This Friday" . Picture B Spears- older, wiser, completely in shape, with all her natural hair in a white skirt-suit sitting across from Barbara Walters. She has worked with a GOOD pr team, who have rid her of that awful north Louisiana accent. She laughs, she cries, she hits her talking points flawlessly and calls her breakdown the "darkest years of her life". She talks about secret treatments. Working with the Dali Lama. Traveling on a spiritual journey to find her soul. Re-establishing her relationship with her son. We laugh, we cry. Slowly, she starts making a media comeback. Pictures of her with her kids at PTA meetings, Britney in the background at charity events, at the grocery store. A few pictures now and again in US Weekly. A couple of dazzling red carpet appearances and BAM her album drops. Older, wiser with a Madonna feel to it- reinvented, but still the same old Britney we crave.

Thats how it should have gone. Instead, they are fast tracking her to get the few decent years she has left in her out. No one is thinking about longevity here, only about the quick and dirty. Drop an album, buy her an acrylic wig and throw her on MTV in just a few short months? Has it even been a year since the end of Britney's breakdown?

I dont know about you, but it takes me a while to adjust from major life changes. It has taken me more time to get over the death of a goldfish. And while I have not had a major Britney-sized breakdown (...yet...) I can only assume that it would not be solved in a matter of months. With no rehab or intensive therapy. No one is thinking about reputation management or creating a brand. They are simultaneously murdering Britney Spears and Britney Spears (TM) just to make a quick buck. While my million dollar plan, the basis of my empire is going to waste.

With all that said, I am still going to watch the manufactured comeback of Britney. I'm just going to be mad about it the whole time.