In Celebration of Easter

Today, I saw Christ, reincarnate.*

I know i know, its hard to believe. I mean, why would Jesus come back to talk to a Jew? Isnt he busy being nailed to the cross, leading a religion, having a champagne brunch and passing out mutli-colored eggs to children? You probably dont believe me and hell- you might not even believe in him. But read on and I think you'll be pretty convinced.

This morning i woke up hungover, tired, full (from apprx. 8 beers i drank last night and the fried chicken i got on the walk home at 4 am this morning) and pretty damn happy. I laid in bed, looked at my awesome BLUE wall in the morning light, took a sip of water and reached for my computer for a happy morning of checking facebook, blogs, news etc.

I flip it on and it tells me I have software updates. "Why not?" I say to myself "I have all day to do nothing, I can spare the 45 seconds". Updates finish installing and the computer restarts and all I see is this:



For those of you unfamiliar with macs, this is the cute little icon for HARDDRIVE DEATH. "How do you know this, Heather?" you are surely asking yourself. Well, friend, I know because it just happened to me SIX MONTHS AGO.

Immediately I start to panic. I bolt out of bed, throw on a sports bra, put on my sneakers, throw my computer in a bag and head to the Apple store in SoHo. On the nearly half hour walk*, I am mentally talking myself down from the proverbial ledge. Last time this happened, it cost $400 and a few days to fix and I don't have either one right now. $400 might as well be $4,000,000 to me and I leave for New Orleans (!!!!) on Thursday morning. I am on the verge of tears, on a hellbent path through the east village, glaring at strangers because, really, its all their fault. Its unusually cold out, windy and sunny and I have on a light trench and no sunglasses. I am miserable.

Finally, I arrive at the apple store on Prince Street, open the doors and tell the greeters what my issue is. He says that they are by appointment only (which i mean, REALLY? how are people who are going to break their computers know they will need to make an appointment?) but since its Easter Sunday (first sign) that they might be able to put me on standby. We walk upstairs and he passes me off to the Genius Bar. My fate is in their hands.

A little boy who I can only assume was about 13, came over to help try and schedule me. He tells me they are too busy and don't have any standby appointments but if I would like I could make one for TWO DAYS from now so they can do the consultation and tell me whats wrong and then it would "only" take a couple more days to fix it. Or, I can just drop it off and they will call me in 48 hours and tell me what they want to do it and have me sign off on it and then take another few days to fix it. When i hear this, I am even more upset. Leaving your shit with apple means $$$$$$ and I dont even have $. Plus, I dont have a tv or cable, so the computer is what i do when Im home. We just got internet, and I am enjoying the speed and efficiency of actual paid internet (thanks for the 4 years of pirated internet though, Lowerline St.). I am upset.

Boy-whom-I-could-have-given-birth-to walks me over to the computer where I sign in to leave my computer and asks me what I want to do. I think about it: "I am an adult. Just yesterday I went to Ikea and assembled a kitchen table and I considered it the highlight of my week. I painted a wall all by myself. I have a 401K. I can handle. I can find a way to get the money. It will be okay".

Well, thats what I would have thought, if I didn't immediately burst into tears.

Yes, I cried in the apple store. And not, "oh your eyes are kind of wet" crying, but CRYING. I am a little embarassed but mostly FURIOUS AT MAC that I have to leave my computer for a week and pay them tons of money so they can just erase my whole goddamned hard drive and I can lose all my shit again.

Somewhere along the way, probably when the middle schooler realized he was dealing with a clearly unstable woman, I was passed off to another "concierge", who led me over to a genius to drop my computer off and get all my shit together.

When I first saw him, I thought nothing of him. Just another mere mortal who would say something to make me angry or cry or flail hysterically on the floor, no big. "Jay" (coincidence? nope.) opens my computer and puts his special apple thing in to view my harddrive on his computer. He asks me questions and I give him short bitchy answers, fighting back tears. He looks at me with a mix of confusion, sympathy and fear and keeps playing with my computer. I sit there silently crying and thinking of creative ways to make ramen noodles.

And I imagine that this is what a religious experience is like. When you are at your lowest, you can't believe its really happening at first. But sure enough, after he had played with it for a while, he looked at me and said "here, email the stuff you want to keep to yourself and Ill just wipe out your harddrive and reinstall it right now. Do you mind waiting twenty minutes?"

I instantly start to feel better, but I am cautious. "How much will this cost?"
"Nothing. We dont have to keep it so its no cost"

Can you hear the holy music people?

I literally almost made out with him, but I am pretty sure thats not the correct way to react when you meet Jesus. I couldn't believe it. This man, this deity, took me down to the end of the genius bar and walked me through the reinstall. In the meantime, he teaches me how to do things that I didnt know before. He sets up my computer the way I want it. He ignored the stares of the "conceirges" who told me I couldn't get help today. He stood up for me, just like he stood up for (most of) you. He saved me- picked me up off the floor, wiped my tears away and replenished me with wine and free gigabyte space. It was a religious experience.


At the end of it all, I felt like a new person. My computer is fine, fast, beautiful. I thanked him and apologized for being mean earlier and he laughed and said he understood. He really is forgiving.

So, if you want to have a religious experience- go to the Apple store on Prince street. Ask for Jay(esus).

Happy Easter, Jay(esus). Thanks for the resurrection.



*If you are offended by this post, eh. We probably shouldn't be friends anyway.

**The other night, on a date with a SEXY guy, he was walking me back to my apartment and I FELL out of my shoes (yes, plural) on my block, ate it hard (like sprawled out across the pavement) and got this nasty cut on the side of my foot that was bleeding everywhere. Its hurts to wear shoes, walk, stand upright, etc. So when I say walked, I mean hobbled. I'm pretty sure sexy guy will call soon. Who wouldn't want to date this?